Woolf Abandoned me

Woolf abandoned me all weekend to go...(get ready, its really exciting)... kayaking.

Yep, her secret is out. She is a granola, crunchy, I-love-the-great-outdoors, only wear chapstick kinda lesbian.

Anyways, while she off playing Into the Wild I will be holding things down in the Denver...

In case you were curious, here is my agenda for the weekend:

1. Saturday Brunch with an old flame. Don't worry, I packed burn cream in my bag.

2. Errand running with Ellen the Generous, to include going to Target and staging something very gay...maybe. If I can convince her its a good idea.

3. Debauchery...the kinda that comes with too many libations and too many lesbians.

4. Chores, because I have put them off.

5. Seeing the apple of my eye on Sunday (it has been over a week!) mushy yes, but needed.

6. Lots of dance moves and inappropriate comments.

7. Potential drunk driving (via mario kart, duh!)

that's it.

Thats my weekend.

Woolf better come home soon, because I feel less smarmy with every passing second.

Even this post was a sad attempt to keep up the sarcasm.

COME BACK ALREADY!

Conversations with a Cherry Creek Whole Foods Fish Monger

Woolf: Alice, I know you are a pseudo veggie. Do you like fish?

Alice: I love to get down with some fish, fo' sho.

Woolf: This is probably not appropriate conversations to have at the fish counter in a CC whole foods. Think of the rich ladies and their precious ears?

Fish Monger (FM): Oh come on, jokes about fish are the only perk of the job.

Woolf: I'll take that piece of Salmon.

FM: You have to cook it before you put it in your mouth.

Alice: You're telling me I have to heat it up before I eat it?

FM: Of course. I do know my fish, I've eaten all kinds.

Alice: Can I get a soft sauce for my hot fish?

Woolf: CAN WE GO NOW PLEASE?!

Proof that Alice is far cooler than Woolf. Exhibit A.

Happy Effing Hump Day (from Alice)

I have a few issues with Wednesdays.

1. I feel like they are that "2:30 feeling" but all day. I need a 24 hour energy drink just to get thru it.

2. Nothing fun is ever on a Wednesday. I mean, who has time to tear it up and paint the town red in the middle of the week? No one. We are all still recovering from Monday's torturous start to the week, mostly caused by Sundays drinking and consequential hangover.

3. Wednesdays are in the middle of week. 'Nuff said. Its a day of the week sandwich, without all the good sandwich stuff.

4. People constantly say "Happy Hump Day!" to me, which is silly because if it were an actual happy hump day, I would happily be humping someone. DUH. Plus, the pun of it being hump day because its the middle of the weeks isn't that good and who ever thought of it should be seriously scolded.

5. There are never any good drink specials at the local bars that don't come with the torture of listening to people karaoke.

6. Day time t.v. is most boring on Wednesday. I need DRAMA to get through Wednesdays, lets work on this television people. Spice up "Hump Day" and make your shows more humpy.

7. Most conventions downtown (where I spend most of days) are in full swing by Wednesdays so it's nearly impossible to get from point a to point b downtown without at least 3 people asking for directions to some place that you can actually see from where you are standing.

and finally...

8. The best prices to fly out of town are usually on Wednesdays, but who wants to be stuck on a plane with flight attendants who keep saying "Happy Hump Day" next to the soccer mom (because they pinch pennies too) that keeps giving you dirty looks for enjoying cocktails. Not this lesbian.

Happy Hump Day...live up to the name and HUMP.

This is how we do it...

Meet us, Vagina Woolf and Alice DoHer Miller.

Charmed, we're sure.

We are fantastic (not to be egotistical or anything). We are platonic life partners (PLPs) who adventure around this great city of ours, Denver. The claim to fame around here–beer and being a mile high. Meaning, visitors get drunk faster and can't breathe well. We, of course, are immune to both these things, though have been known to have a few too many libations from time to time.

Alright fine, pretty much any day that ends in a Y.

Vagina Woolf spent time on the eastern side of our country getting a higher education, while Alice moved here in adult-ish hood and dropped out of school. Woolf studied Tibetan Philosophy (yeah, she's the brain of this duo) and Alice studied, well women and Political Science Management (or the art of getting what you want).

If this were a game of Scrabble, we would win. If this were a game of Monopoly, we would own all the hotels. Even one on Boardwalk bitches. Intimidating, we know. But we're not really, so take a moment to catch your breath and collect your wits.

Woolf is a writer by passion, a wordsmith if you will. She is an avid marketer, of all things epic, even herself. Catch phrases and one liners may or may not be what she is good at. She also has an affinity for economics (anyone want to be her sugar mama?)

As for Alice, she is a musician and a spa junkie. No no, she doesn't inject hot oil into her veins, but she has been known to use a few hot towels on clients. Musically, she is awkward. In the taking-whiskey-shots-on-stage kinda way.

So what unites us? Aside from our mutual awesomeness and ability to finish eachothers sentences?

We are both goldstars.

If you don't know what a goldstar is, you either aren't one or aren't gay enough to get it. We will help you out...A goldstar is a lesbian identified woman who has only slept with women. I/E no dick has ever crossed these labias. We are as gay as they cum (yes, we meant it that way). Don't beat yourself up if you aren't one, we will let you into our inner circle, but only with a visitor's badge and some hand sanitizer.

We both have lived fabulous lives thus far, including world traveling and stories you probably won't believe. So we won't bore with the details of our past, because we don't want jealous readers (yet). From here on out, we will fill this blog with things we put in our mouths and the things that come out them. We both love good food and neither of us can bite our tongues, so this should be fun. On multiple occasions we have been told we should "write that shit down" or have been asked to be invited to our famous PLP dinner parties for two.

So consider this your invitation and us writing it down. Sit down and stay awhile (Woolf wanted to say that, Alice wanted to remind you that we don't repeat ourselves, so this is your one and only formal invitation).