Advice from Alice

I am probably not the best person to get advice from, I mean my past is sordid and is a tangle of failed relationships and burned bridges. But, out of the glowing embers I have discovered a few things (and in case you haven't noticed, I love making lists)... so here is a list of things I have learned about being a lesbian, in her 20s who is just trying to find her way.

(I will number with Roman Numerals just to keep you guys on your little toes... and because I need the practice using them)

I. If you are going to cancel plans with someone because you don't want to see them (for any number of reasons, but mostly because they like you and you don't like them back) always do it when the sun is up. Otherwise, it will seem like you are canceling because you are drunk and that you don't care about their feelings. In general, the day time is a better time to make someone feel like you are avoiding them like that bubonic plague.

II. In conjunction with canceling in the day time, it's better to do it over the phone, with your actual voice box and not via text. The reason should be clear, but some of us ladies still need to remember to actually pick up the phone. Have some integrity.

III. Never assume that two people are dating, getting hot and heavy or simply benefiting from each other's naked company. It makes things awkward and forces those two people to have to have "the talk". That is always uncomfortable when it is brought on by other people.

IV. Not all lesbians LOVE Ani the way you do, so please don't act like you are a better pussy licker because you know every song she has ever written by heart.

V. Lesson number four also applies to Tegan and Sara, Melissa Etheridge, Melissa Ferrick, Portishead, and Chris Pureka.

VI. Not all lesbians like softball. (this lesson is mostly for the straighties out there who think we all like to whack balls with big sticks and then run like hell). So please don't invite a homo to a game unless you know for a fact that they adore the sport, otherwise they feel like you may judge their gayness when they politely decline (see number one) so they will feel obligated to go and subsequently hate every second of it.

VII. Just because two gay ladies are hanging out it doesn't mean they are bumping bagels. I am gay but I can have friends who are women who like women and I don't have to be attracted to them. We are not all incestuous (in the sense that we become each other's family) and we can platonically cuddle with our friends and not have it be sexual.

VIII. There is no man, so please don't who is the man in the relationship. We are lesbians, so there is no man. And no, you and your boyfriend can't join in.

IX. We may be called carpet munchers, but some of us prefer linoleum.

X. The butch/femme dichotomy is not for everyone. I may be in a dress today, but tomorrow I will be pants, will you still like me then? Please stop assuming because I wear girly clothes some days that I like girls in carharts.

XI. Not all lesbians want to become bois. Please don't think that the andro girls out there are going to bind and take T. Yes, some do but just as many (if not more) don't. (I personally get a little flustered every time I see an andro girl. Keep it up ladies...mmm)

XII. There is such a thing as gaydar. I have it and I use it, well.

XIII. I may be a lesbo with a guitar, but I am not into granola or hearing about wind power (sorry Woolf).

XIV. Nope, not all lesbians want to turn someone. So please don't get your thong in a bunch when I say you look nice today.

XV. There is a difference between queer, gay and lesbian. If someone says they are queer, its rude to say they are gay/lesbian. Also, if you are going to hate speak at me, I prefer if you came up with something better than dyke, fag, homo, etc. Those are old and out played. Lets get creative. Make me laugh a little inside at your creativity.

XVI. We call each other family for a reason. Not only is it fun to say in a super gay way (faaamillly), but because a lot of us loose our blood family when we come out, the community steps in and takes care of us. So ladies, please remember all those "baby gays" out there may need us, the way we need the older generation. We are the only support system some people have, so come on...WE ARE FAMILY, I GOT ALL MY SISTERS WITH ME! (sing it girls!)

That's it. That's my advice.

Pretty good life lessons, right?

Maybe if we are lucky, one of these days Woolf will offer up some advice. I mean, she is the brains behind this operation. I'm just another pretty face.