Call me Miss Cleo

It's Sunday. Not only is it Sunday, but it is also the start of Shark Week, which means two things:

1. I (Alice) will watch a lot of Discovery Channel and be obsessed with Sharks for the next 7 days.

and 2. I will take my behaviors and mirror those of sharks, complete with shark attacks and primal pack mentality.

Today is a perfect day for these behaviors to come out. You see, a few weeks ago there was some serious drama (but when isn't there?) and I lost a close friend due to her behavior, we shall call her Pinocchio (because she is a liar, if you didn't figure that out on your own).

Anyways, Pinocchio lied about her intentions with someone we will call Paris Hilton (because she is the center of attention and the drama). Paris and Pinocchio eventually started seeing eachother (such an attractive pairing) and the truth about the lies came to the surface. There were lies told about the lies and lies told about me (yeah, I was LIVID to say the least). To make matters worse, the girl I am seeing is Paris' bff. AWKWARD.

The culmination of the past few weeks will take place tonight...You see, Paris, Pinocchio, Ellen the Generous (who is Pinocchio's recent ex and my close friend), MoHo (who is my beau's ex girlfriend and is besties with Paris and who is dating Ellen), my beau and I will all BE AT THE SAME PLACE. Recap: Paris, Pinocchio, Ellen, MoHo, my Beau, and I will all be at the same place. Oh, and this place is a rooftop that serves booze.

I feel like the show "I was attack by a shark and survived" will be recreated tonight. I am definitely not wearing white, I don't want blood stains on my clothes.

I would like to take a moment and make a few predictions for the evening, feel free to think of me as the lesbian Miss Cleo.

1. My beau and I won't make it out of the house, due to lack of clothing.

2. Pinocchio's nose will be too big to fit in her car, so she can't come.

3. Everyone shows up and we all act like we don't care (I'm SO good at fake smiles)

4. Everyone shows up and we all have a massive orgy, fuel by awkward tension and anger (definitely would happen if this were porn)

5. I get too liquored up and run my mouth, with no one there to save me, I start a drunken fist fight with Pinocchio and break her big nose. (never gonna happen because I can't fight, but I can run my mouth, so maybe parts of it will happen)

6. Everyone shows up and tries to make things better, but I am a stubborn fuck and don't buy any of. (can you say silent treatment?)

7. Me, my beau, MoHo, Ellen and Woolf (yes Woolf will be there, because she will FINALLY be back) will have a dance party and not invite the 2 P's

8. I will be forced to dance fight Pinocchio for my honor and will subsequently win and she will shamed back into hiding. (I have some fierce dance moves, complete with rude hand gestures)

9. I stay home and watch Shark Week premiers. I begin pretending I am a Hammerhead and I can bite the heads off of people, then I arrive late, in character, and proceed to tell people how I really feel.

10. None of this happens and I blog about it all tomorrow.

Happy Shark Week.