The Don'ts of Lesbian Fashion (According to Woolf)

Alice and I have been involved in a myriad of conversations as of late regarding lesbian fashion.

Our friend Cargo, Alice, our token straight boy (TSB), and I were out at lunch on Saturday eating biscuits at the Denver Biscuit company. (Which is delicious by the by) At some point, Alice started a rant about what is deemed inappropriate lesbian "fashion". Included on this list was Cargo Shorts and Butches with long hair (especially those with fancy ponytails...I'll let Alice explain). Cargo is named this because she obviously wears them and has long hair and is butch. So she's a trifecta of poor choices in lesbian fashion according to Alice.

I'm not one to judge and I can't comment on her pet peeves, as I too wear cargo shorts. In fact I have a pair of camo cargoes that are just below the knee. Cargo was quick to tell me that they are in fact "capris". Damnit. I own camo, cargo capris. Color me a disaster in the book of Alice Fashion.

So while I may make Alice cringe with my frequent clothing choices, I have my own set of "rules". Some of them are pretty typical and others might surprise you.

1. The mullet is not cool. A reverse mullet is not cool either. Both of these hairstyles should have died long ago. The mullet never should have happened. Whoever thought it was a good idea to have party in the back and business in the front ought to have a lobotomy. The reverse mullet is the haircut that lesbians just can't get rid of--very long in the front, short in the back. This wasn't cool in the late 90's and it still isn't.

2. Cargo PANTS. Fine. I get the shorts. But the pants have to go. Unless you are one of those girls who wears cargo pants with skimpy tops. I'll let that one slide.

3. Popped collars. You are not a frat boy. You don't go to Dartmouth. And you are far old enough to know that polo collars belong down. Flat. Where they belong. Even worse is when you are wearing a button down shirt which doesn't have a collar made for popping.

4. Wearing pants that don't fit you. Look, I don't want to see your underwear. I didn't like it when the boys did it when I was 16, and I don't like it when the ladies do it and you're 25. Showing off the band is fine, but when the shamrock pattern of your boxers is showing, we have a problem.

So ladies, there you have it. Please understand that if Alice or I see you out in public dressing a way that puts shame to us dykes, you will be given a ticket.